It's an awful thought, isn't it? I suppose it's possible he chose to join the Absolute, but even at that rate it wouldn't have been a decision made with sound mind.
[Some people cannot be saved. At the time, Barcus didn't feel any compassion for Kar'niss at all, but in retrospect...yeah, he's a little sorry.]
We're in agreement, then. I'm glad. I'm sure he needs friends and we're the poster children for people from the Underdark being able to get along.
The other thing I wanted to talk about is...well. I'm sorry if I've been a little off the past day or so.
Was it just some bad days? I noticed you were upset, but I didn't think it was because of anything I did.
[Yes, Bel did need to consider it. He's very new to this 'romantic relationship' thing, and so is a bit nervous. On the other hand, Bel is also old enough to know that Barcus has a life outside of him, and things happen that have nothing to do with him.]
Oh...! No, it was nothing you did, dear. I'm so sorry if I worried you at all.
Ashton and Orym and Dorian are all very much...official now? Inasmuch as any romantic relationship can be official, and of course I saw that coming a mile away, and I'm happy for them, but it does rather drive the point home that I'm not really...one of them. Is it weird that I wanted to be? Not that I want to be in a relationship with them all, necessarily, just to belong.
Then I started thinking about how the last time I felt like I was a part of anything resembling a family, I was nineteen years old, and then I got to wondering if I'm the entirety of the problem, and excessive soul-searching is exhausting.
I haven't come to any conclusions and I didn't want to come cry about it on your shoulder, you deserve better than that, but I suppose being honest about what's going on in my head is...the right thing to do?
Well, if you want a confession of my own, when I saw you four at the shibari workshop, I assumed they were opening up to let you in. And I was... jealous, I suppose. That they had that, and that you were getting that, and that maybe I wanted something like that. Not necessarily with them, though I like Ashton and Dorian... I haven't really spoken to Orym. But I thought I was being too greedy, since I had you, and my friends here, and everything.
I don't know about family. I think I still don't really understand what it means to non-drow, since I've just figured out the difference between 'belonging with' someone and 'belonging to' someone.
But given what you've built here in such a short time, I don't think you're the problem.
[This is a shocking revelation to him. Perhaps there are a few remnants of prejudice left to clear from his head, because his instinctive assumption has always been that Bel is independent, like a cat. Strong enough on his own not to need anyone else, even if he enjoys the tenderness between them.
In the Underdark, drow have hierarchies, more so than families, at least if everything Barcus has heard is true. Bel broke free of all that, and the possibility that he might want something akin, but better...well, that shouldn't be a surprise. Who wouldn't? Who doesn't want a little corner where they belong, and can feel safe and accepted?]
Ashton likes you. He appreciated you teaching him to dance. And when we were buried in that cliff, he said something about how maybe the both of us could come to his world, with him and Dorian and Orym.
Granted, neither of us was thinking clearly at the time, we both had head injuries.
[This is rambling, mostly, to steady his mind while he wraps it around the paradigm shift Bel has confronted him with, but after those few words and a brief, confused silence, he gets up and tucks the bird in his pocket to come looking for Bel within the house and yard, needing to see him face to face.]
[Bel is still thinking about his response to that, because at the moment planning for the future seems difficult -- he doesn't even know if something other than 'go home or stay here' will be an option, after all, and planning feels too much like an invitation to something to ruin them]
[He's seated in the living room, toying with the quill on his bird device, thinking about how to respond, if Barcus wants to speak to him in person.]
[The gnome seeks him out and finds him quickly, much to his relief. He makes a beeline for Bel, climbing up onto the couch beside him and kneeling there as he reaches up to cup his face gently in both hands.] I'm going to try never to take you for granted, findal.
[And maybe he should have come to Bel to talk this over in the first place. After all, they both have the experience of having left the Underdark and had to adjust to the surface. They come from different backgrounds, but they comment on the parallels all the time. Small wonder if they feel the same way about certain things.]
I want you to belong with me. Whatever that means for you, we can...we'll figure it out together.
[At this point, Barcus can see how Bel's body language changes when Barcus approaches, just adjusting to make it more comfortable given their height difference.]
Thank you. Thank you for talking to me about it. I... probably wouldn't have said anything until you did. You know I'm not used to getting so much of what I want.
Every time you say something like that it trips me up. [He strokes across his cheekbones with both thumbs, as soft a touch as an artificer could manage.]
The idea that I'm part of something you want. You seem so independent, but you always listen when I come to you. Will you come to me, too, when you need me?
[Bel is tempted to pull Barcus onto his lap, but he's always careful to not use his greater size to physically move Barcus. He does gesture to Barcus in invitation]
I'll try. I'm not used to being able to go to people. But... just because I can survive on my own doesn't mean I want to. I like having people around me. I like being allowed to care for people. To get attached.
[He appreciates that respect, but sometimes it's nice to be manhandled, too. By the right person. Right now, he's just happy to accept that invitation, slipping easily into Bel's lap, sideways so he can wrap one arm around his shoulders and tuck his head against his neck.
...and finds himself struck, suddenly, but the certainty that he does belong here, with this man. They can both belong elsewhere, as well, or together with others, but this, more than anything else around him, fits.]
Well, then. I'll stop holding back. You're well and truly stuck with me now, love.
[So Bel hadn't really been thinking too much about what this all meant, just what he felt and how Barcus was responding. His breath caught in his throat at Barcus using that particular endearment.]
[Saying it as an endearment, rather than a confession, has a little space to it. A sense of plausible deniability. When Bel questions him, though, Barcus decides deniability is the worst thing for the both of them right now.]
Too much too soon? [He asks, squeezing gently.] Or just the right amount?
The thought has crossed my mind before now, but...you know how I worry about being too clingy.
[See, now, that's the kind of response that could sting, except context makes it obvious that that's Bel's uncertainty talking, rather than rejection.]
I've never used the word boyfriend, myself. It seems...well, I haven't been a boy for a while. [But that's mere semantics.]
I've loved a lot of people. I can love more than one person at once. I think I need to love more than one person at once. [If anything good comes out of this mad scramble for connection Barcus has been undergoing the past few days, it's that realization. His heart is full and demands as many outlets as it can get, whether romantic or platonic.
But Bel is special.] You and I fit together. That doesn't have to diminish what we feel for anyone else. It can stand on its own.
[...and maybe that should be the ultimate goal with Ashton, and Dorian, and Orym. Rather than trying to be a part of them, he should forge his own individual bonds with each one, and just...see where that leaves them. They can stand on their own, and then stand together.]
[Bel is silent for a while, just holding Barcus close to him while he thinks about what this means. Because it probably says some things about himself that while he knew Barcus had been open about them both having other lovers, that Bel assumes he'd always be a second choice to any one with options.]
When I first arrived here, I told Finnick that I'd never been 'in love'. I've loved family, but...
[... but always with the understanding that any drow who didn't want to suffer had to put the leader of the family, or more senior members, first.]
You're going to have to put up with me being very awkward and ridiculous. More so than I normally am, Barcus, love.
[He's trying out the words, to see how they sound on his tongue. And how he feels about this. And he thinks he likes it.]
[It feels sweet to be held. Safe and warm and strangely domestic. Here he thought forging a romance with his roommate might be awkward or too much, too fast. Instead it feels very natural to just...be together. He's so used to fighting for every scrap of intimacy he can get, for it to be at his fingertips all the time is an incredible change.
When Bel speaks again, he nods against him humming softly. Love and in love are different, and sometimes it's a subtle distinction.]
You're not awkward or ridiculous. [He protests, grinning because he hears what's actually being said here and it makes his heart soar.] You're actually very suave, I think!
[And then he looks up and kisses him, gentle and almost shy.] Love. Thank you, love.
Be you. That's all I want you to be. [He makes a soft mm sound at the returned kiss, relaxing in Bel's arms in a way that suggests he's in no hurry to go anywhere. This feels good. Better than good.]
[If you had told Bel of a year ago how much enjoyment he'd get from physical affection that was not intended as foreplay, he wouldn't have believed it. Not that he objects to physical affection that is the start of foreplay, but he's learning he enjoys it on its own merits. ]
[So he's quite happy to hold Barcus and trade kisses.]
You know, the same applies to you. Whatever happens in the future, and whatever roles you need to step into, I want you to be Barcus Wroot for me.
...but also, yes, physical affection is wonderful on its own merits.
Bel's words are wonderful, too, and as he settles into his lap, stroking lazily through his hair, Barcus feels whole for the first time in days.] I...oh. Thank you, Bel. I...
[He's never been enough. Maybe he still isn't enough for himself, but other people are allowed to have differing opinions.]
[It's funny, how few of Barcus' past lovers have been good for him. Aside from Wulbren, none have made him a worse person, per se. And now, Ashton is caring and tender in the ways they know how to be, but something about this feels different.
Perhaps every person you love, you love slightly differently. This feels like healing.
He stays as he is for several minutes, stroking Bel's hair and neck and shoulders lazily, but at last he tilts his head up and kisses his cheek.]
Let's go out. I'll...mm...I'll get a bottle of wine and some fruit and cheese. We can have a picnic in Dusklight where it's easy on our eyes. Just us.
I don't think I've had a picnic before. Which is another reason to do that.
[Bel expects at least some of this is just that Barcus is the first time he's done a lot of the romance things. Friendship, sex, camaraderie... those are familiar. Picnics and planning dinner dates are not. Of course, Bel wouldn't enjoy them so very much if he wasn't doing them with Barcus, so perhaps that is a distinction without a difference.]
[It's nice to be able to give Bel something he's never had before. Barcus excels at sentiment and romance, and up until Caldera, he's had limited opportunities to use that particular skill. Prepare for candlelight picnics and rose petals in your bathwater, Bel.]
Mmm. The only problem being that I have to move. [He kisses him once more, then disentangles himself from his lap with a smile. They can do more of that once they're in Dusklight.]
If you wouldn't mind, you can feed Satchel and Zenri so they don't miss us too much while we're out.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2025-05-11 02:56 pm (UTC)[Some people cannot be saved. At the time, Barcus didn't feel any compassion for Kar'niss at all, but in retrospect...yeah, he's a little sorry.]
We're in agreement, then. I'm glad. I'm sure he needs friends and we're the poster children for people from the Underdark being able to get along.
The other thing I wanted to talk about is...well. I'm sorry if I've been a little off the past day or so.
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Date: 2025-05-11 03:03 pm (UTC)[Yes, Bel did need to consider it. He's very new to this 'romantic relationship' thing, and so is a bit nervous. On the other hand, Bel is also old enough to know that Barcus has a life outside of him, and things happen that have nothing to do with him.]
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Date: 2025-05-12 09:48 pm (UTC)Ashton and Orym and Dorian are all very much...official now? Inasmuch as any romantic relationship can be official, and of course I saw that coming a mile away, and I'm happy for them, but it does rather drive the point home that I'm not really...one of them. Is it weird that I wanted to be? Not that I want to be in a relationship with them all, necessarily, just to belong.
Then I started thinking about how the last time I felt like I was a part of anything resembling a family, I was nineteen years old, and then I got to wondering if I'm the entirety of the problem, and excessive soul-searching is exhausting.
I haven't come to any conclusions and I didn't want to come cry about it on your shoulder, you deserve better than that, but I suppose being honest about what's going on in my head is...the right thing to do?
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Date: 2025-05-12 10:42 pm (UTC)I don't know about family. I think I still don't really understand what it means to non-drow, since I've just figured out the difference between 'belonging with' someone and 'belonging to' someone.
But given what you've built here in such a short time, I don't think you're the problem.
Does that help?
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Date: 2025-05-12 10:55 pm (UTC)In the Underdark, drow have hierarchies, more so than families, at least if everything Barcus has heard is true. Bel broke free of all that, and the possibility that he might want something akin, but better...well, that shouldn't be a surprise. Who wouldn't? Who doesn't want a little corner where they belong, and can feel safe and accepted?]
Ashton likes you. He appreciated you teaching him to dance. And when we were buried in that cliff, he said something about how maybe the both of us could come to his world, with him and Dorian and Orym.
Granted, neither of us was thinking clearly at the time, we both had head injuries.
[This is rambling, mostly, to steady his mind while he wraps it around the paradigm shift Bel has confronted him with, but after those few words and a brief, confused silence, he gets up and tucks the bird in his pocket to come looking for Bel within the house and yard, needing to see him face to face.]
[text -> action]
Date: 2025-05-13 12:27 am (UTC)[He's seated in the living room, toying with the quill on his bird device, thinking about how to respond, if Barcus wants to speak to him in person.]
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Date: 2025-05-13 03:02 am (UTC)[And maybe he should have come to Bel to talk this over in the first place. After all, they both have the experience of having left the Underdark and had to adjust to the surface. They come from different backgrounds, but they comment on the parallels all the time. Small wonder if they feel the same way about certain things.]
I want you to belong with me. Whatever that means for you, we can...we'll figure it out together.
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Date: 2025-05-13 03:20 am (UTC)Thank you. Thank you for talking to me about it. I... probably wouldn't have said anything until you did. You know I'm not used to getting so much of what I want.
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Date: 2025-05-13 03:56 am (UTC)The idea that I'm part of something you want. You seem so independent, but you always listen when I come to you. Will you come to me, too, when you need me?
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Date: 2025-05-13 02:04 pm (UTC)I'll try. I'm not used to being able to go to people. But... just because I can survive on my own doesn't mean I want to. I like having people around me. I like being allowed to care for people. To get attached.
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Date: 2025-05-13 02:45 pm (UTC)...and finds himself struck, suddenly, but the certainty that he does belong here, with this man. They can both belong elsewhere, as well, or together with others, but this, more than anything else around him, fits.]
Well, then. I'll stop holding back. You're well and truly stuck with me now, love.
no subject
Date: 2025-05-13 02:48 pm (UTC)[So Bel hadn't really been thinking too much about what this all meant, just what he felt and how Barcus was responding. His breath caught in his throat at Barcus using that particular endearment.]
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Date: 2025-05-13 02:57 pm (UTC)Too much too soon? [He asks, squeezing gently.] Or just the right amount?
The thought has crossed my mind before now, but...you know how I worry about being too clingy.
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Date: 2025-05-13 03:01 pm (UTC)[Sorry, Barcus, Bel is still trying to wrap his head around the fact things are being reciprocated by you, so he's saying some stupid shit.]
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Date: 2025-05-13 03:09 pm (UTC)I've never used the word boyfriend, myself. It seems...well, I haven't been a boy for a while. [But that's mere semantics.]
I've loved a lot of people. I can love more than one person at once. I think I need to love more than one person at once. [If anything good comes out of this mad scramble for connection Barcus has been undergoing the past few days, it's that realization. His heart is full and demands as many outlets as it can get, whether romantic or platonic.
But Bel is special.] You and I fit together. That doesn't have to diminish what we feel for anyone else. It can stand on its own.
[...and maybe that should be the ultimate goal with Ashton, and Dorian, and Orym. Rather than trying to be a part of them, he should forge his own individual bonds with each one, and just...see where that leaves them. They can stand on their own, and then stand together.]
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Date: 2025-05-13 03:26 pm (UTC)When I first arrived here, I told Finnick that I'd never been 'in love'. I've loved family, but...
[... but always with the understanding that any drow who didn't want to suffer had to put the leader of the family, or more senior members, first.]
You're going to have to put up with me being very awkward and ridiculous. More so than I normally am, Barcus, love.
[He's trying out the words, to see how they sound on his tongue. And how he feels about this. And he thinks he likes it.]
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Date: 2025-05-14 02:06 am (UTC)When Bel speaks again, he nods against him humming softly. Love and in love are different, and sometimes it's a subtle distinction.]
You're not awkward or ridiculous. [He protests, grinning because he hears what's actually being said here and it makes his heart soar.] You're actually very suave, I think!
[And then he looks up and kisses him, gentle and almost shy.] Love. Thank you, love.
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Date: 2025-05-14 02:17 am (UTC)[Barcus is getting kissed back. Repeatedly.]
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Date: 2025-05-14 11:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-05-15 12:24 am (UTC)[So he's quite happy to hold Barcus and trade kisses.]
You know, the same applies to you. Whatever happens in the future, and whatever roles you need to step into, I want you to be Barcus Wroot for me.
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Date: 2025-05-16 02:31 am (UTC)...but also, yes, physical affection is wonderful on its own merits.
Bel's words are wonderful, too, and as he settles into his lap, stroking lazily through his hair, Barcus feels whole for the first time in days.] I...oh. Thank you, Bel. I...
[He's never been enough. Maybe he still isn't enough for himself, but other people are allowed to have differing opinions.]
...thank you, love.
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Date: 2025-05-16 03:00 pm (UTC)[Bel can sympathetic with 'not being enough'; it took some time for him to internalize that in the society of his birth, he couldn't be enough.]
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Date: 2025-05-18 01:34 pm (UTC)Perhaps every person you love, you love slightly differently. This feels like healing.
He stays as he is for several minutes, stroking Bel's hair and neck and shoulders lazily, but at last he tilts his head up and kisses his cheek.]
Let's go out. I'll...mm...I'll get a bottle of wine and some fruit and cheese. We can have a picnic in Dusklight where it's easy on our eyes. Just us.
no subject
Date: 2025-05-19 02:07 am (UTC)[Bel expects at least some of this is just that Barcus is the first time he's done a lot of the romance things. Friendship, sex, camaraderie... those are familiar. Picnics and planning dinner dates are not. Of course, Bel wouldn't enjoy them so very much if he wasn't doing them with Barcus, so perhaps that is a distinction without a difference.]
no subject
Date: 2025-05-20 04:14 am (UTC)Mmm. The only problem being that I have to move. [He kisses him once more, then disentangles himself from his lap with a smile. They can do more of that once they're in Dusklight.]
If you wouldn't mind, you can feed Satchel and Zenri so they don't miss us too much while we're out.
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