[Saying it as an endearment, rather than a confession, has a little space to it. A sense of plausible deniability. When Bel questions him, though, Barcus decides deniability is the worst thing for the both of them right now.]
Too much too soon? [He asks, squeezing gently.] Or just the right amount?
The thought has crossed my mind before now, but...you know how I worry about being too clingy.
[See, now, that's the kind of response that could sting, except context makes it obvious that that's Bel's uncertainty talking, rather than rejection.]
I've never used the word boyfriend, myself. It seems...well, I haven't been a boy for a while. [But that's mere semantics.]
I've loved a lot of people. I can love more than one person at once. I think I need to love more than one person at once. [If anything good comes out of this mad scramble for connection Barcus has been undergoing the past few days, it's that realization. His heart is full and demands as many outlets as it can get, whether romantic or platonic.
But Bel is special.] You and I fit together. That doesn't have to diminish what we feel for anyone else. It can stand on its own.
[...and maybe that should be the ultimate goal with Ashton, and Dorian, and Orym. Rather than trying to be a part of them, he should forge his own individual bonds with each one, and just...see where that leaves them. They can stand on their own, and then stand together.]
[Bel is silent for a while, just holding Barcus close to him while he thinks about what this means. Because it probably says some things about himself that while he knew Barcus had been open about them both having other lovers, that Bel assumes he'd always be a second choice to any one with options.]
When I first arrived here, I told Finnick that I'd never been 'in love'. I've loved family, but...
[... but always with the understanding that any drow who didn't want to suffer had to put the leader of the family, or more senior members, first.]
You're going to have to put up with me being very awkward and ridiculous. More so than I normally am, Barcus, love.
[He's trying out the words, to see how they sound on his tongue. And how he feels about this. And he thinks he likes it.]
[It feels sweet to be held. Safe and warm and strangely domestic. Here he thought forging a romance with his roommate might be awkward or too much, too fast. Instead it feels very natural to just...be together. He's so used to fighting for every scrap of intimacy he can get, for it to be at his fingertips all the time is an incredible change.
When Bel speaks again, he nods against him humming softly. Love and in love are different, and sometimes it's a subtle distinction.]
You're not awkward or ridiculous. [He protests, grinning because he hears what's actually being said here and it makes his heart soar.] You're actually very suave, I think!
[And then he looks up and kisses him, gentle and almost shy.] Love. Thank you, love.
Be you. That's all I want you to be. [He makes a soft mm sound at the returned kiss, relaxing in Bel's arms in a way that suggests he's in no hurry to go anywhere. This feels good. Better than good.]
[If you had told Bel of a year ago how much enjoyment he'd get from physical affection that was not intended as foreplay, he wouldn't have believed it. Not that he objects to physical affection that is the start of foreplay, but he's learning he enjoys it on its own merits. ]
[So he's quite happy to hold Barcus and trade kisses.]
You know, the same applies to you. Whatever happens in the future, and whatever roles you need to step into, I want you to be Barcus Wroot for me.
...but also, yes, physical affection is wonderful on its own merits.
Bel's words are wonderful, too, and as he settles into his lap, stroking lazily through his hair, Barcus feels whole for the first time in days.] I...oh. Thank you, Bel. I...
[He's never been enough. Maybe he still isn't enough for himself, but other people are allowed to have differing opinions.]
[It's funny, how few of Barcus' past lovers have been good for him. Aside from Wulbren, none have made him a worse person, per se. And now, Ashton is caring and tender in the ways they know how to be, but something about this feels different.
Perhaps every person you love, you love slightly differently. This feels like healing.
He stays as he is for several minutes, stroking Bel's hair and neck and shoulders lazily, but at last he tilts his head up and kisses his cheek.]
Let's go out. I'll...mm...I'll get a bottle of wine and some fruit and cheese. We can have a picnic in Dusklight where it's easy on our eyes. Just us.
I don't think I've had a picnic before. Which is another reason to do that.
[Bel expects at least some of this is just that Barcus is the first time he's done a lot of the romance things. Friendship, sex, camaraderie... those are familiar. Picnics and planning dinner dates are not. Of course, Bel wouldn't enjoy them so very much if he wasn't doing them with Barcus, so perhaps that is a distinction without a difference.]
[It's nice to be able to give Bel something he's never had before. Barcus excels at sentiment and romance, and up until Caldera, he's had limited opportunities to use that particular skill. Prepare for candlelight picnics and rose petals in your bathwater, Bel.]
Mmm. The only problem being that I have to move. [He kisses him once more, then disentangles himself from his lap with a smile. They can do more of that once they're in Dusklight.]
If you wouldn't mind, you can feed Satchel and Zenri so they don't miss us too much while we're out.
Not at all. Though at this point, I suspect Zenri could feed himself and Satchel, but probably not what we want them to eat.
[And look, if Bel or Barcus forget, knowing that the worst thing will happen is a giant mess and a dragonet and cat who ate too much of food intended as a treat, is not a bad thing. Bel doesn't have to worry they'll starve if he's not on the ball, and they don't have to worry about getting into too much trouble from Bel's mistake. Especially because Bel knows Satchel will not remember this next time.]
[Barcus laughs brightly and nods in agreement.] Our two cats. I'm glad yours is smarter than mine. I suppose they're siblings now, in a weird sort of way. Zenri will make sure Satchel doesn't do anything too foolish, and she'll...snuggle up and keep him warm whenever he lies down to sleep.
[That's a fair enough exchange for Barcus, hopefully Zenri feels the same.]
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2025-05-13 02:57 pm (UTC)Too much too soon? [He asks, squeezing gently.] Or just the right amount?
The thought has crossed my mind before now, but...you know how I worry about being too clingy.
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Date: 2025-05-13 03:01 pm (UTC)[Sorry, Barcus, Bel is still trying to wrap his head around the fact things are being reciprocated by you, so he's saying some stupid shit.]
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Date: 2025-05-13 03:09 pm (UTC)I've never used the word boyfriend, myself. It seems...well, I haven't been a boy for a while. [But that's mere semantics.]
I've loved a lot of people. I can love more than one person at once. I think I need to love more than one person at once. [If anything good comes out of this mad scramble for connection Barcus has been undergoing the past few days, it's that realization. His heart is full and demands as many outlets as it can get, whether romantic or platonic.
But Bel is special.] You and I fit together. That doesn't have to diminish what we feel for anyone else. It can stand on its own.
[...and maybe that should be the ultimate goal with Ashton, and Dorian, and Orym. Rather than trying to be a part of them, he should forge his own individual bonds with each one, and just...see where that leaves them. They can stand on their own, and then stand together.]
no subject
Date: 2025-05-13 03:26 pm (UTC)When I first arrived here, I told Finnick that I'd never been 'in love'. I've loved family, but...
[... but always with the understanding that any drow who didn't want to suffer had to put the leader of the family, or more senior members, first.]
You're going to have to put up with me being very awkward and ridiculous. More so than I normally am, Barcus, love.
[He's trying out the words, to see how they sound on his tongue. And how he feels about this. And he thinks he likes it.]
no subject
Date: 2025-05-14 02:06 am (UTC)When Bel speaks again, he nods against him humming softly. Love and in love are different, and sometimes it's a subtle distinction.]
You're not awkward or ridiculous. [He protests, grinning because he hears what's actually being said here and it makes his heart soar.] You're actually very suave, I think!
[And then he looks up and kisses him, gentle and almost shy.] Love. Thank you, love.
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Date: 2025-05-14 02:17 am (UTC)[Barcus is getting kissed back. Repeatedly.]
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Date: 2025-05-14 11:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-05-15 12:24 am (UTC)[So he's quite happy to hold Barcus and trade kisses.]
You know, the same applies to you. Whatever happens in the future, and whatever roles you need to step into, I want you to be Barcus Wroot for me.
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Date: 2025-05-16 02:31 am (UTC)...but also, yes, physical affection is wonderful on its own merits.
Bel's words are wonderful, too, and as he settles into his lap, stroking lazily through his hair, Barcus feels whole for the first time in days.] I...oh. Thank you, Bel. I...
[He's never been enough. Maybe he still isn't enough for himself, but other people are allowed to have differing opinions.]
...thank you, love.
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Date: 2025-05-16 03:00 pm (UTC)[Bel can sympathetic with 'not being enough'; it took some time for him to internalize that in the society of his birth, he couldn't be enough.]
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Date: 2025-05-18 01:34 pm (UTC)Perhaps every person you love, you love slightly differently. This feels like healing.
He stays as he is for several minutes, stroking Bel's hair and neck and shoulders lazily, but at last he tilts his head up and kisses his cheek.]
Let's go out. I'll...mm...I'll get a bottle of wine and some fruit and cheese. We can have a picnic in Dusklight where it's easy on our eyes. Just us.
no subject
Date: 2025-05-19 02:07 am (UTC)[Bel expects at least some of this is just that Barcus is the first time he's done a lot of the romance things. Friendship, sex, camaraderie... those are familiar. Picnics and planning dinner dates are not. Of course, Bel wouldn't enjoy them so very much if he wasn't doing them with Barcus, so perhaps that is a distinction without a difference.]
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Date: 2025-05-20 04:14 am (UTC)Mmm. The only problem being that I have to move. [He kisses him once more, then disentangles himself from his lap with a smile. They can do more of that once they're in Dusklight.]
If you wouldn't mind, you can feed Satchel and Zenri so they don't miss us too much while we're out.
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Date: 2025-05-20 05:44 pm (UTC)[And look, if Bel or Barcus forget, knowing that the worst thing will happen is a giant mess and a dragonet and cat who ate too much of food intended as a treat, is not a bad thing. Bel doesn't have to worry they'll starve if he's not on the ball, and they don't have to worry about getting into too much trouble from Bel's mistake. Especially because Bel knows Satchel will not remember this next time.]
no subject
Date: 2025-05-24 03:32 pm (UTC)[That's a fair enough exchange for Barcus, hopefully Zenri feels the same.]
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Date: 2025-05-24 03:34 pm (UTC)But shall we head out?